How Lasting Relationships Actually Work

Having a kid is the surest way to create relationship turbulence! Why people think having a kid will fix a relationship is beyond my comprehension at this stage. For the love of god don’t be this idiot though…

People with poor relationship history or a lack of relationship history look at those in happy relationships as if everything just works, all the time.

It’s doesn’t.

If it does, you’re either still in the honeymoon phase or one partner has given up all their boundaries to appease the other. That’s far from a happy relationship.

No, healthy relationships mimic the Japanese art of kintsugi. Kintsugi dates back to the 1500s and is the practice of repairing broken pottery with a precious metal, usually silver or gold.

There are several potent analogues to be drawn between kintsugi and successful long term relationships.

1. Repairs Build Strength

A combination of resin that hardens over time in multiple layers, reinforcement with metal powder, decreased brittleness and enhanced flexibility. Kintsugi doesn’t just repair the original pottery, it strengthens it.

Likewise, the foundation of secure attachment in a relationship is going through hard times and coming out the other side okay.

Every time you make it through a hard situation with your partner or repair a struggle in your relationship it gets stronger. You gain new communication skills, coping mechanisms, build shared worldviews and gain appreciation for their resilience.

2. You Create Something New & Unique

Kintsugi pottery pieces are almost always considered works of art. Even when the original pieces were not. And, they are wholly unique. No two pottery pieces are repaired the same way.

In much the same way, no two relationships are the same. And, they can only reach their maximum potential by creating beautiful new bonds after tough times.

3. Embrace Imperfections

Kintsugi doesn’t try to hide imperfections. It calls extra attention to the breaks and imperfections in the pottery, attempting to find beauty in what would normally be seen as a defect.

“When you pick someone to marry you have automatically inherited your set of unresolvable relationship problems.” - John Gottman

Gottman talks about how there is no avoiding a certain subset of problems in a relationship, you just need to find a set of problems that are tolerable. And importantly, when people attempt to leave a relationship looking for less problems, they don’t get less problems, they get different problems.

Given that 69% of problems in a relationship are never resolved it is important to embrace, understand and find the beauty in our partners’ imperfections.

Remember that hard times are a feature of every relationship not a bug. It is important to understand that you can leave your metaphorical bowl in a heap of pieces on the floor or you can use those pieces to create something stronger than what you started with.

Analogies, maxims and aphorisms have been critical in helping me remember and implement complex topics into my everyday life. Kintsugi is just the latest iteration of one such simplifying idea. Expect more.

Words I Wish I Wrote

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