- DSTLLD
- Posts
- How to Lose a Girl in 60 Seconds
How to Lose a Girl in 60 Seconds
The 4 Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse
Today we’re revisiting relationship expert John Gottman and his 4 horsemen. In his decades of research these are the 4 most deadly attitudes in any relationship.
Identifying and eliminating these 4 things should be priority #1 on your path to a healthy relationship.
Criticism
Ever found yourself attacking your partner's character instead of talking about a specific issue?
That's criticism in action.
For instance, telling your partner, "You leave dirty dishes everywhere, you're a slob."
You need to reframe the “you” statement to an “I” statement.
Instead try, "I feel frustrated by all the dirty dishes; can we find a solution together?"
Even without criticism undertones, it is a good practice to reframe ANY disagreement as an “I” statement. Explain your feelings instead of blaming your partner for how you feel.
Contempt
Contempt comes from a feeling of moral superiority over your partner. Can you think of anything more unhealthy?
Name-calling, sarcasm, or eye-rolling, can chip away at the respect in your relationship.
You might say, "I can't believe you didn't know that," accompanied by an eye-roll.
This specific behaviour can create an avalanche of damage, one snowflake at a time!
Here’s how you stop it:
Say thank you for the smallest things your partner does.
Practice telling them how grateful you are.
Stop searching for things to complain about.
If you do these three things you’ll default your brain into avoiding this disrespectful tone.
Defensiveness
This is a typical response to criticism.
When you feel attacked it's natural to defend yourself. But, denying responsibility builds a communication barrier between the two of you.
If your partner says, "I feel like I'm always the one planning our dates," responding with, "Well, you never give me a chance to plan anything!" is the wrong answer.
You’re meeting a complaint with another complaint. Good luck with that!
Instead, listen and empathize with your partner’s perspective.
Try, "I understand, I'll make more of an effort to help plan our dates in the future."
Stonewalling
This is a typical response to contempt.
Imagine you're discussing a sensitive issue. You shut down and refuse to communicate. This can be tuning out, acting busy or distracting yourself.
That's stonewalling, it's due to feeling overwhelmed or wanting to avoid conflict.
This halts any problem-solving and makes your partner feel isolated.
To break the stonewall, be more self-aware. If you feel overwhelmed, communicate that to your partner and suggest a short break before revisiting the conversation.
Come back to the conversation, put away the distractions and work together!
The Antidotes (Summarized by Brene Brown)
Thank you for reading this far, I’m humbled! Could I ask you for a small favour? Sharing this newsletter with 1 person is completely free and helps me out a lot!
Reply