Mythbusters: Debunking Bad Relationship Advice

As someone who tries to be the Marshall & Lily of TV relationship power rankings, how do I know what advice to trust, and what advice will do more harm than good.

Friends, family, subreddits, dating coaches, blogs, tv shows…

…as I listened to them all, I couldn't help but wonder: where do all of these relationship "rules" come from, and how many are true?

It’s time to take a baseball bat to some of the worst relationship myths.

“You Shouldn’t Be Co-Dependent”

You should absolutely be co-dependent and embrace the existence of the “dependancy paradox.”

Your attachment to your partner goes well beyond your emotional needs.

Are you in a relationship?

Congratulations, your partner now helps to regulate your hormones, breathing, heart rate and blood pressure.

In primitive times that co-dependence was the difference between having food or being food.

You can’t ignore biological reality.

The Strange Situation Test

Child attachment theory — the basis of adult attachment theory — was studied very famously in one experiment by Mary Ainsworth.

The so-called Strange Situation Test.

It involved a room full of toys and and a series of stressors introduced to study the behaviour of young children.

The result?

A child's desire to explore and learn can be influenced by their mother's presence. When a mother is present, a secure child feels more inclined to play and learn, while their exploratory drive is suppressed when their mother is not present.

So, how does this translate to you…

The Dependency Paradox

Co-dependency, while often smeared, can actually lead to greater independence within a relationship.

Establishing a "secure base” as an adult allows us to face any number of difficult situations.

While we might no longer chase a bouncy ball around a room as adults, we can equate the desire to learn and play as a child to:

• Being effective at work

• Pursuing hobbies

• Being vulnerable in emotional situations

• Having healthy relationships with friends

• Taking risks

• Exploring creative paths

When study participants were asked to discuss their personal goals — Brooke Feeney, the director of the Carnegie Mellon University Relationship Lab — found that those who believed they were being supported by their partner reported higher self-esteem, mood and likelihood of achieving their goals.

Participants who felt their partner was less supportive, were less open to discussing their goals, did not examine ways for achieving those goals, and tended to downgrade their goals during the course of the discussion.

The Takeaway

Imagine finding a partner who makes you feel safe and supported, helping you tap into your full potential. This can have a huge impact on your self-confidence, ability to solve problems, emotional well-being, and overall direction in life.

Don't be afraid to embrace your dependency on your partner as a way to reach your full potential and become more independent.

The Refinery

1. Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

2. Attached on Blinkist

3. What is Attachment Theory?

4. The Strange Situation Experiment